A Thousand Little Pieces Read online

  “Thanks for coming.” Janet gave Lea a brief smile but then looked back at Ricco, frowning. Lea went to Ricco’s side. His face had gone expressionless, which explained Janet’s worried look.

  The agent said, “I know you spent a lot of money on the screens and doors and locks, Ricco. But I gotta tell you, it’s putting potential buyers off. They keep telling me this house feels like a fortress. I wanted you down here so we can decide which security features we can get rid of.”

  Ricco shrugged. "Take them all down."

  “Really?” Janet seemed surprised. “I doubt that’s necessary. Maybe if we take a tour and you tell me for each screen and door—”

  “Nah, just do it!” Ricco’s voice rose, and he started fidgeting from one foot onto the other. “Just do what you think is necessary, so we get shot of this place. And just put in any furniture you want, for the pictures. Hell, get some famous Town & Country photographer in to take them, I don’t care. Just send me the bill when they’re done, all right?” He was stumbling over this rush of words, and Lea felt alarmed. What was going on? Ricco took a deep breath. “We done, yeah?”

  Janet took a step back at his almost aggressive tone. “Yeah, but—”

  "Great! Close the door behind yourself when you go. I gotta show my girl the rest of this place. Not like we'll come here again if you do your job right this time." With that, he turned around, grabbed Lea's arm, and started pulling her into the hallway leading toward the back of the house. Lea contemplated giving Janet an apologetic shrug but instead had to fully focus on not falling over as she limped after Ricco. His grip on her wrist was painful.

  When they were halfway down the hallway Ricco let go of her, opened one of the doors, and walked through. Lea caught up with him a moment later and recognized the room as the master bedroom she had seen in photos.

  It was as beautiful and airy as the living space, but here as well the windows were covered in latticed security screens, casting a disorienting, slanted array of light across the wooden floors. This room, too, was empty, bar one lonely armchair Lea was sure didn’t belong to Ricco.

  He now made straight for the chair and dropped into it heavily. Lea stopped and studied him from a distance. He looked terrible all of a sudden, his face waxen, lips bloodless. His hands were shaking badly where they hung over his knees, and he was staring blankly at the light patterns on the floor. He looked, in short, as if he had just woken up from a terrible nightmare and didn’t know where he was.

  She should have known something was up. His aggression toward Janet had been so uncharacteristic. They should just leave, Lea knew. But he seemed totally out of it now, one leg jigging nervously. Would he even listen to her?

  “Ricco,” she said quietly as she limped across the room. Before she was halfway Ricco suddenly jumped to his feet, making her flinch. Not looking at Lea he made for the window, but then veered away and retreated into the darkest corner where he stopped with his back to her. He started twisting his fingers tightly enough to make them crack.

  And then he was muttering to himself, and at first, Lea couldn't make out any words. Then he started to pace, and whenever he turned around to face her Lea caught a snatch of the word stream that was spilling forth unconsciously.

  "I can hear them now…under the house…always…why they…never alone…voices…why…tree, at night...Ciaran…why now still…what."

  Then he stopped dead, facing the windows. "No…nonono." As if against his will he walked over to the window and looked up to the ceiling, nearly overbalancing, then, suddenly, lowered his head and scanned the floor. Then he put both his hands against the window frame and pushed as if to make sure the window – which was clearly locked already – was closed. He let his hands glide up and down the sides, over and over, crouching down, then reaching up.

  Lea couldn’t take it anymore. “Ricco, please, stop.”

  He turned at her words but wouldn’t look her in the eye. Then he began to circle the room, over and over, faster and faster, his hands clasped painfully in front of himself.

  “No more…why...just stop…no…away…can’t…no…why…”

  Lea was starting to feel uneasy. This reminded her of when he’d attacked the photographer outside the jazz club in Harlem. But she had to stop him, something bad would happen if she didn’t, she could feel it. When he passed her again, she stepped in his way and reached out. “Honey, please.”

  She had no idea what had happened, and why she was suddenly sprawled on the floor. Then the sharp pain in her hip hit, and she gasped, tears springing into her eyes.

  “You told me I could do this! You made me come here!” He was advancing on her, and Lea, disoriented and frightened, began to push herself back along the floor. She could still feel his fingers on her bad shoulder, where he had grabbed her hard and shoved her. Then she realized that he was making for the door. Using mostly her right leg, Lea scuttled across the floor until she reached the door before him.

  She couldn’t let him get away, not like this. He was out of his mind, he would hurt himself, or someone else. And what if he got into his car?

  “No,” she gasped and pushed the door shut, then leaned against it. His eyes were dark with fury for a moment, but he stopped dead and didn’t advance further. Then his face went slack and gray, and he turned away, retreating into the corner furthest from the door, where he crouched down with a wail and buried his hands in his hair, rocking himself and pulling hard.

  The pain in Lea's shoulder and hip was blinding now and she wondered vaguely if she would pass out. Ricco rocked backward and forwards in the corner, and Lea felt nothing but despair. What should she do now? She could barely move, there was no way she could calm him down. In his current state, he hardly seemed to know who she was, other than the obstacle between him and the way out.

  She needed help.

  “Oh darling,” Lea whispered, “I’m sorry, so sorry.”

  With shaking fingers, she dug in her pants pocket for her phone, finally managing to extract it. There was only one person in Ottawa she trusted to know what to do.

  It took her a whole minute to get her hands to cooperate and dial the number, then she listened to the ringing with her breath catching in her throat.

  Finally, there came a faint Hello? through the cottony feeling in her ears. “Oh, thank goodness,” Lea sobbed with relief. “Please, Daniel, we need help!”

  They stayed in the empty bedroom, mutely terrified and each locked in their misery. The pain in Lea's hip and shoulder came and went whenever she tensed up, in tune with Ricco's agony. He kept rocking himself silently on the balls of his feet, pulling his hair, breaths coming in stutters, joined by whimpers now and then.

  Lea tried to speak several times, but he would just rock more violently, pulling on his hair harder and groaning, so she gave up. Her heart hurt so much for him.

  She had to get away from the misery and let Daniel in when he arrived. So, aching even more from sitting on the floor, Lea finally pulled herself to standing, using the wall and her crutch, hoping that, maybe, if she removed herself from the room Ricco would calm down, too.

  She opened the bedroom door without looking back and limped out and toward the front door, wincing with every step. Halfway through the living room, she could hear a car pull up outside. This had to be Daniel. He had set off from work while he and Lea were still speaking on the phone and had been able to come so quickly because he was filming a mere twenty minutes away that day.

  There were muffled voices and then a soft knock on the door. Suddenly feeling very unsteady on her feet Lea covered the rest of the distance and opened the door.

  “Daniel!” He was right in front of her in an instant, catching her as her legs gave way, and she clung to him, willing down the sobs and tears that were threatening to erupt. Daniel held her safely in his arms and kicked the door shut with his foot.

  “Now, now, darling.”

  Lacking a place to sit down, which Lea desperately wanted to do, they ju
st stood there for a few moments, until she felt that she had, at last, regained some control. Then she pulled away from Daniel, leaning on her crutch. "I'm okay, it's fine. Thank you."

  He held on to her free hand and looked at her searchingly. “What happened, sweetheart? Are you hurt? Did he.?”

  Lea shook her head. “He didn’t mean to. I’m okay, really. Daniel, please help him. He’s had a complete meltdown, and I can’t go near him.”

  “Where is he?”

  “In the main bedroom.”

  Daniel looked at her, and in his calm gaze, Lea found the strength to stop shaking. He smiled and squeezed her hand. "That's better. I'll deal with him. Stay back, I don't want you to get hurt again. But let him see you, so he knows you're there soon as he comes out of this."

  She nodded, a lump in her throat. Daniel held on to her hand and they walked back to Ricco. Lea ached to be with her guy. He’d hurt her, yes, but that had been the PTSD. He hadn’t attacked her because of anything she’d done. Daniel was here now, and while she was still a little scared of Ricco, she was sure Daniel would sort it out.

  He let go of her hand when they got into the bedroom. Lea stayed by the door as Daniel crossed the room to Ricco, who was back on his feet, facing the wall, utterly still and tight as a bowstring.

  For a minute Daniel stood motionless by Ricco’s side, not touching him. A shudder ran through Ricco, and his hands came up again, tying those awful knots.

  “Hey, mate,” Daniel said quietly, then waited again. Ricco’s breath hitched slightly. There was no other sound.

  Then Daniel wrapped his arms around Ricco. Lea leaned against the wall, suddenly feeling very weak. She kept her eyes on the two men, her inside hurting terribly. Daniel tightened his arms and Ricco gave out a low moan of discomfort. But he didn't pull away or try and shrug his friend off. Instead, he began to shake hard, then gave one, keening sob.

  Daniel braced himself as Ricco’s legs gave way, evidently prepared for this. He lowered them both carefully, holding on and wrapping his arms even tighter around Ricco once they were on the floor. Ricco was still shaking, his crying eerily silent.

  After what felt like a long time Ricco’s rigid body relaxed and he sank into Daniel with a whimper. It took even longer before he raised his hands and clung to Daniel. At that point Daniel started talking, so quietly that Lea couldn’t hear the words.

  Finally, Daniel looked up and indicated to Lea that she should come closer. She did so, slowly. No longer afraid she nevertheless didn’t want to set Ricco off again.

  Then Daniel spoke quietly, addressing them both. Ricco didn’t look up, but Lea could see he was listening. The catatonia was over, he was back with them.

  “We’ll get you home now, okay, buddy?” Daniel said, then waited for Ricco to nod in agreement before looking up. “Lea, my car’s right on the curb. I’ll go out first and tell the fans to go away.” He looked down again. “Mate, you think you can get up?”

  To Lea's surprise, Ricco spoke, his voice raw and choked. "Yeah, okay."

  Somehow they made it back to the front door. Lea let Daniel handle Ricco; she had enough trouble moving around without screaming. Her hip was agony. When they were halfway across the room Ricco threw her a quick look over his shoulder, and she could see his eyes were full of tears.

  They waited just out of view as Daniel slipped from the house. Ricco was swaying slightly where he stood, arms hanging limply by his side. He looked exhausted and kept his eyes closed. But at least he wasn't shaking anymore, and his hands were no longer knotted together. Lea still didn't dare touch him.

  Daniel's indistinct voice floated through the crack in the door as he talked to the people hanging around outside. After a few minutes, he was back. "All clear, let's go."

  He led Ricco by the arm, and Ricco went willingly, limp as a rag doll. Lea followed, pulling the door closed and making a mental note to call Janet and tell her to send someone around to lock up. That was easier right now than holding them up and making Ricco lock the door. She kept her eyes lowered as she limped after the other two toward the car.

  Ricco was already in the back seat, just scooting over to make room, and Daniel reached out and helped Lea clamber in as well. She bit back a moan of pain as her hip protested at the change in position. Daniel closed the door and was in the driver’s seat quickly, clearly keen for them to get away. Lea could see his worried frown in the rear-view mirror as he started the car.

  As they drove down the road they passed the two cars Ricco had pointed out to her when they had arrived. Lea didn’t look, but she thought she caught heads turning in their direction from the corner of her eye.

  Just then Ricco shifted. He didn’t look at her, but his hand came to rest on the seat between him and Lea. She hesitated for a second, then took it in hers, and he held on hard. Lea looked over but he wouldn’t meet her eyes, just kept staring into the foot space.

  “Sorry,” he whispered.

  Lea couldn’t respond. She squeezed his fingers and turned her head away, staring out at the houses rushing past, blurred by tears.

  “He’s okay? No migraine?”

  Daniel stopped at the bottom of the stairs and shook his head. “No, he’s okay. Totally done in, but he’s calmed down. I put him to bed. He’ll sleep soon, I’m sure. It’s over, whatever that was.”

  “For now,” Lea said miserably. This wasn’t done with by a long stretch.

  “For now, yeah,” Daniel agreed. He stepped close to her. “But for the moment he’s okay. One thing at a time. Once he’s gotten some sleep he’ll be clearer, and then we can talk about what comes next. How’re you, though?”

  Lea didn’t answer right away. Then, suddenly, Daniel’s fingers tipped up her chin, ever so gently. “How’re you, sweetheart?” His voice sounded strange, and all of this felt wrong. But Lea couldn’t look away. She stayed motionless, Daniel’s blue eyes in hers, his hand gentle on her face.

  “Not sure,” she whispered.

  There was a frown on Daniel’s face, then confusion, and then he leaned down and kissed her. For a moment Lea didn’t react, but then her lips parted, and she leaned into the kiss.

  Even as it was happening she knew what an awful thing they were doing. Her guy, exhausted and unwell, was upstairs after a terrible day. And here she was, kissing one of his best friends.

  Before Lea's shocked brain could command her body to pull away Daniel broke the kiss. He stepped away so suddenly Lea nearly staggered. She caught herself with a hand on the banister, shaking her head as Daniel instinctively reached for her. They stood in awkward silence for a long moment.

  “He…,” Daniel finally said croakily, then cleared his throat and tried again. “Ricco, he asked for you. Will…will you be okay?”

  Lea nodded, then forced her vocal cords into submission. “Of course.”

  “I better go, then.” He started walking toward the door.

  “Daniel?”

  He turned around again. “Yeah?”

  “Thank you. For your help, and—” Words deserted her.

  Daniel’s eyes betrayed his confusion and guilt, and he turned back toward the door quickly. “You’re welcome. Call, if you. I mean, if he needs me, all right?”

  “Sure. Thank you.”

  Lea waited until the front door closed behind him. He knew all the security codes by now and could let himself out of the front gate. For a moment Lea had to fight the urge to hurry after him.

  She raised her hand to her lips. She could still taste Daniel on them, a clean, sweet sensation, unmarred by cigarette smoke. Then she shook her head, hard.

  They had just made a mistake, fueled by exhaustion and stress. Daniel had picked up on her fear and acted instinctively, wanting to make her feel better. It didn’t mean anything. Willing the memory, and all thoughts of the other man, into the deepest recesses of her mind Lea started climbing the stairs, forcing all her attention back to her guy who would need her now.

  “I scared you so bad.” They had b
een lying in bed for a good half hour already, but neither had said a word until now. When Lea had come into the bedroom Ricco had turned over and looked at her, then folded the sheets back, a silent invitation for her to join him.

  She hadn’t hesitated. Leaning the crutch against the wall Lea had stepped out of her shoes awkwardly, then climbed into bed, biting her lip at the pain shooting through her hip again.

  Ricco had come to her with a sob and a shudder, and she had hugged him close as he held on tight. For a long time, he’d just clung to her, shaking with silent tears, and Lea had stroked his back, her heart full of sorrow for them both.

  Finally, his tears had stopped, but he just stayed where he was, holding on tightly as he caught his breath. And, finally, it started to feel right, just lying together quietly, after what they’d been through that day. Ricco felt warm and solid against her, and Lea was glad that he could tolerate her touch again.

  “I frightened you, and I hurt you,” he said, still sounding dazed and miserable. “I didn’t mean to; I don’t know what that was.”

  “I know, darling,” Lea said soothingly as she felt him tense. She put a hand on his neck, which was sweaty. He sighed, fighting her trying to calm him for a moment, but then he put his head against her shoulder.

  “I’ve never been like this before. I mean, I’ve freaked out, but this was.”

  “PTDS, hun,” Lea said quietly. “It’ll do that to you. It’s not your fault.”

  “Still, I hurt you,” he insisted in a hoarse whisper. “But you stayed. And you kept your calm. Calling Daniel was the right thing to do. I was real angry at first, but. he knows what to do.”

  Thinking of Daniel was hard, but Lea willed the memory of the kiss away. “He held you so tightly, I thought he’d break your ribs. That helps, yes?”